Showing posts with label 疲労. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 疲労. Show all posts

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Small pleasures in life. - ささやかな幸せのカタチ。


Summer has arrived in Seattle!

It's always such a wondrous time here. One minute it's cold and damp, and the next minute, boom, it seems as though it's always been warm and sunny and gorgeous with flowers blossoming everywhere.

Of course it was approaching in small increments, in that plants have been working hard by absorbing all that rain. It just seems sudden because the temperature jumps from 50s to 70s.

It's my "slow day" today. Whenever I see people they exclaim, "...but you look so... well!" They're often surprised to hear I'm getting weekly IVs (without them I'm pretty much useless). What they don't realize is that for every consciously "on" day (albeit a few hours of social time), I pay for it with "slow" or "off" day(s) afterwards. If my speed other people see were 5 mph, the next day I'd usually slow down to about 1 mph. If I go at 5 mph (let's say that's the "normal person speed") for two days in a row, I have multiple slow days or days on which I can barely move. I become a slug and my carriage (i.e. my GTI) turns into a pumpkin.

I sometimes feel bad that Daniel is usually the one who sees and deals with me on my slug days. However! Not being able to plan big things (like going out or seeing movies) results in small pleasures, and makes us realize we really don't need much to feel happy.

Today we went to Whole Foods after my massage appointment, and took a picnic out to the nearby park. Little and big flowers were blossoming everywhere, in neighbors' gardens and at the park. We stopped and observed busy bees weaving in and out of vibrant-colored blooms. Some purple, some orange, some pink, some yellow... so pretty! Then we noted that we both really liked one of the trees we saw at the park, because it had a big, fat trunk and lines reminiscent of a person.

I became cold in this amazing weather (I have a hard time regulating body temp when it's my off day -- the edges of my lips were apparently becoming blue), so we stopped and had a cup of tea outside a local food shop/cafe. Watched some more bees and crows and saw an adorable pug refusing to walk further. He was insisting he stop and stay stretched right next to the water bowl outside the store. I love how stores and cafes around here always have water bowls for dogs.

I was once again completely dead by the time I got home, so now I'm icing my legs, but before that, we also saw tiny cherries and apples on someone's trees. Summer in Seattle is so plentiful and delightful.

Come to think of it, the fact I could go to a grocery store, then walk to the park afterwards on my off day is amazing. That's a vast improvement from last year.

I was thankful for my off day, because it prohibited us to plan anything ambitious, and we got to re-explore the neighborhood together. Noticing pretty flowers with your loved one, I think, is so much better (and cheaper) than drinking a $100 bottle of wine alone.

Thank you, Daniel, for sharing my slug day. :-)

-A

シアトルに夏が来た!

ここの夏はいつも驚くほどゴージャスです。
ずうっと寒いかと思うと、突然!夏がやって来て、
いつもこうであったかのような錯覚におそわれる。
どこもかしこもお花がいっぱい、いつも晴れていて。

まあ冷静に考えてみれば、植物さんたちにしたら、
ヨッコラヨッコラと、懸命に雨と栄養を吸収して
ゆっくりとここにこぎつけた訳なんですけど。
突如10度台の気温から25度とかになるんだもの。

今日は動ける速度が遅い「スローデー」でした。
(カタツムリデーとも言う。)

いつも人に会うと、「見た目元気そうですよね〜」と
言われるのだけれど、それって一生懸命意識してるからで。
毎週点滴してるっていうのも意外みたいですね、
それがないとほとんどカタツムリデーになっちゃうんだけど。

他の人が見ないのは、人前での時速が5マイルだとしたら、
1日数時間でも人とお出かけしてスイッチオンする分、
その次の日は時速1マイルくらいになっちゃうところ。
2日続けて時速5マイルで活動したら、代償として
何日も時速半マイルとか、動けない日々になります。
自分はカタツムリと化し、私の馬車(つまり愛車)は
カボチャと化すのだ〜。

私がカタツムリになるときいつも側にいる
ダニエルには悪いな〜と思います。

でも! そうだからこそ、いろいろ出かけられない
状態ならそれはそれで、小さな喜びが見いだせるので、
今日はそれもいいかなと思いました。
(私達ってけっこう単純なので、そんなでかい
喜びはあんまり必要ないかも。)

今日はマッサージのあとホールフーズ(ナチュラル系の
スーパー)に行って、買ったお昼を持ってそばの公園に
ピクニック(って単に座って食べるだけ)しに行きました。 

近所のお庭と公園では大小のお花があちこちで
咲き乱れていて、その中を蜂さん達が飛び交うのを
観察したり、この色綺麗、とお花をじーっと見てみたり。
紫、オレンジ、ピンク、黄色・・・自然の色ってすごい!
そしてあの木の幹、太っててなんだか人間みたいだね、
あーあの木来た時から私も気になってたんだー、と
他愛のない会話をしてみたり。

このあったかくなった天気に関わらず、こんな風に
体がオフの日には、体温調節がうまくいきません。
(ジャケットを2枚着ても口のまわりが青くなって
きたらしい。) そこで車に歩いて帰る途中にまた
ひと休み。 小さい食料品店兼カフェの外の
テーブルでお茶を飲んであったまりました。

ここでまたまわりのお花と蜂と、カラスを観察。
散歩中に暑くなって、「もう歩けまへん!」と
店の外に置いてある水のボウルの横から動こうと
しない可愛いパグ犬も見ました。
シアトル近辺のお店やカフェって、犬用にあちこち
水のボウルが置いてあるところが多い。 
その辺の心のゆとり、好きだなあ。

家に帰ってきた時点でふたたび動けなくなって
しまいましたが。。。 痛い足を冷やしつつこれを
書いています。 でも車に着く前に見た、誰かの
庭になっていたサクランボと小さなリンゴも
微笑ましかった。 シアトルの夏って、ほんとに
豊かで嬉しい夏です。

考えてみると、カタツムリデーにスーパーに行けて、
そのあと公園に行けるなんて、すごい進歩かも。
去年から比べると、良くなってるんだぁ〜。

こうしたスイッチオフしてる日に、感謝、です。
だから大した予定も立てなかったし、二人で
一緒にまた近所をちょっとでも散策できたから。

好きな人や家族と一緒にきれいなお花を
愛でられることって、ひとりで一本100ドルの
ワインを飲むとかよりよほどいい(し安い!)と
思うのは、私だけでしょうか。

ダニエル、カタツムリデーを一緒に過ごしてくれて
ありがとー。^^

-英

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Beat but inspired! -- 死んでるけど心は元気!


As expected, I'm totally beat after 4 days of interpretation. (+_+) My pain level is at about 8 out of 10, and I'm running a fever. My ears are plugged up, too, so I'm trying my best to rest and not get an ear infection. :D At times like this, I'm really glad there was such a thing as Tramadol, even if it makes me woozy.

Nonetheless, being involved in Seeds of Compassion conference was an incredible experience, and the talks were so inspiring! I'll write about some things that really resonated with me, once I start feeling somewhat alive. (If you're interested, you can still watch the webcasts from the event here -- in 24 different languages!)

When I think about it, I wouldn't have even dreamed of participating in such an event last year, so I'm ever so grateful I'm doing a little better this year. I can drive short distances, and I was able to work some! It feels nice to be of some use to other people. It was totally worth it.

Now if I can only sleep, that would help :P I'm getting my weekly IV tomorrow, so hopefully I'll recover some more!

-A

予想通り、4日間通訳をして、かなり疲れました。  へろ へろへろ~ (;@_@)ノ
久しぶりに、10段階評価でいくと痛みのレベルは体中、指先から爪先まで8ぐらい。 微熱が出て、なんだか耳が詰まっている状態です。 中耳炎にならないようしっかり休もうっと。 こんなときは、くらくらしたとしてもトラマドルみたいなお薬があって良かった、と思います。

それでも、素晴らしいとしか言いようのない経験をさせていただいて、いろいろ有難いお話を聞いて、心の栄養になりました。 特に心に残ったお話、回復してきたら、かいつまんでここでも少しお話しようと思います。 (もし興味がおありでしたら、こちらから24ヶ国語でビデオを観られます。)

考えてみると、去年だったらこんなお仕事を請けようとも思えなかったでしょうから、比べて少しずつでも体力が出てきたことに感謝しています。 少しなら自分で運転して出かけることも出来るようになったし、働くことが出来るのが嬉しかった。 少しでも誰かのお役に立てたことは幸せです。 ですから疲れ果てたとしても、やった甲斐がありました。

これで眠れたら、もっと助けになるんだけれど。。。 明日また、毎週行っている点滴に行くので、それが助けになることを願っています。

-英

Thursday, November 29, 2007

It's okay to feel crummy sometimes - ときどきは落ち込んでもいい。

Weather: Cloudy... 37°F
Energy Level: 2 out of 10
Mood: 3/10... cloudy here too
Health: 3/10

A while ago, my wonderful mother-in-law Joline sent us a link to an article she heard on NPR, aptly titled, "A Positive Outlook Is Overrated." The article was written by Barbara Held, a professor of psychology and social studies at Bowdoin College (yay, Daniel's alma mater).

The message was basically this: We're all taught to always have a positive outlook on life, look on the bright side of things; this makes us feel doubly bad when we can't, and sometimes we are allowed to feel crummy. And "feeling bad is not automatically the same as being mentally ill."

I needed this message, because, I tried really hard the last week, but I couldn't be cheerful. I hurt everywhere and was exhausted. As I approach the end of the year, I've felt the frustration that I'm not feeling better. I want to have enough energy to be a somewhat productive member of the society, so I did everything that I heard I should do throughout the year, but I'm not feeling all that much better. When I couldn't sleep, I tried writing down a whole bunch of things I felt thankful for. Then when I didn't feel better, I felt guilty.

Maybe I'll buy prof. Held's book, Stop Smiling, Start Kvetching: A 5-Step Guide to Creative Complaining. Sounds like something I need right now. Though, I've got so many books to read: some on celiac disease, some on gluten-free diet, some on fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome, and still some more on autoimmune diseases. I guess I'm overwhelmed, because a lot of times I'm too tired and dizzy to read. (And these books are not exactly entertaining.)

For now, I might just watch the cat hotpot video my friend Michiko sent me a while back... I hope this makes up for my whining! (Sorry about that.)
[Warning: extremely cute.]



[Caption]
- Instruction review: Place clay pots on the floor and wait for them to enter & sleep.
- (1 cat each) Regular size serving.
- (Tabby) Cats with a wild personality would not go in.
- (2 cats) Big size serving. -> (2 cats x 2) Big size serving x 2.
- Migrations may occur, resulting in serving size changes.
- Needless to say, use pots you wouldn't actually use for cooking, since they wouldn't wash their feet before going in.
- Try not to interfere with conflicts between kitties.
- Watch out for boil-overs.
- It's more efficient to have many clay pots. (Also this widens kitties' choices.)
- (2+ cats) Special jumbo size serving.
- (3+ cats) Extreme mega size serving.
- Move carefully after you've made sure they're fast asleep.
- If you place things like plates, chopsticks and beers around the table, it would be more festive.
- Cat hotpot full course menu. (Warning: If they realize they're on the table, that may become a habit.)

-A

天候: 曇り。 また寒い 3°C
元気度(勢い): 2/10
気分: 3/10 (ちょっと気持ちも曇り)
体調: 3/10

ハァ~。

少し前に、とっても優しい義理の母が、ラジオで聞いた記事のリンク
送ってくれました。 メーン州ボウデン大学(ダニエルの母校!)で、
心理学と社会学の教授をしている バーバラ・ヘルド女史の書いた、
「ポジティブ思考は過大評価されている」というもの。

彼女が言っていたのは、アメリカでは特に、いつもいつも物事の
良い面を見て、ポジティブに生きていこうという考えが主流だが、
人間そうできないときもある、ということ。 落ち込んでいるときに
そういう考え方でいなきゃ、と思うと余計そうできない自分に
罪悪感を覚えて逆効果。 

落ち込んでいる、というのは自動的に精神疾患がある、というのと
違うので、たまには落ち込む自分を許してあげることが必要、と
いうようなお話でした。

今日はこの教訓をうんうん、と読む必要がありました。

先週から頑張ってポジに生きよう、と努力したのでしたが、
どうしても気分が良くならなかったからです。
体中痛くってそれに疲れ果ててしまい、年の瀬が迫ってきて、
もっと前より気分が良くない自分が嫌になってしまいました。

ちゃんと少しは社会貢献というか社会参加していけるように
なりたくて、ここ一年いろいろ良いと言われることを
片っぱしからやってきたのでしたが、あまり劇的には
良くなりませんでした。 (短気?) 眠れなかった夜中、
ノートに色々感謝すべきことを沢山書いてみたものの、
沈んだ気分はそのままで、罪悪感を覚えました。

ヘルド教授の書いた、「ヘラヘラ笑うのを止めて、
建設的な不満を言おう
」という本を買って読もうかな、とも
思いましたが、読む本がこれまた何冊もあって圧倒されています。

セリアック病の本、グルテンフリー食事療法の本、
線維筋痛症の本、慢性疲労症候群の本、自己免疫疾患の本。
それぞれ何冊か読みかけ・読んでいないのがあります。
(医学関係の本ってつまんないし~。)
さらに大抵疲れてクラクラしていて、本なぞ読む気に
ならないのが問題。 参りました。

とりあえず、友人のみち子さんが前送ってくれた「猫鍋」ビデオを
観てなごもうと思います。。。

情けないことばかり言ってごめんナサイ。 ちゃん、ちゃん。

-英

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Recovering from IgG shot #2 -- IgG注射 第2弾から回復中。。。



Wow, it's really coming down outside (stormy! It seems to be raining almost sideways)--I'm glad I made Daniel wear his rain pants.

I'm currently recovering from the immunoglobulin (IgG) shot #2 last week.

Seeing that I recovered from the side effects of the last one in 3-4 days (good thing), my doctor and I jointly decided that we'd probably try weekly shots for 6 weeks, depending on how I feel. If I feel positive effects for more than a week, I could go 2 weeks in between. I haven't particularly felt those positive effects (more energy, etc., to follow after the negative side effects) yet--I've mostly felt beaten up afterward, and that tapered off somewhat.

Currently, instead of feeling like I've been hit with a flu hammer, I feel as though I have a mild cold accompanied by a somewhat increased level of pain.

Apparently this (IgG injections) is the somewhat natural route, as we are trying to boost my own immune system with the help of human immunoglobulin. If this doesn't work, there is a prescription antiviral medication called Valcyte (valganciclovir)--but it's more toxic and very expensive (if the insurance doesn't cover it, $10-13K for a course of treatment). In a recent study (came out Dec. 2006) by Dr. Jose Montoya, a renowned infectious disease specialist at Stanford, a treatment cycle with Valcyte proved to be about 75% effective--although the sample was fairly small and they are planning to do a larger study.

The caveat is that it takes about 6 months altogether, and the first 3 months you will be sick as a dog. It's kind of like chemotherapy--people would have to take time off from everything. In the 3-6 months period, however, patients in the study started to feel much better, a lot of them even going back to work full time after a long absence once the study was over. Another thing is that since it's toxic, it affects your bone marrow function (decreased white blood cell count), as well as liver and kidney function.

The study was done for patients with both human herpes 6 (HHV6) and Epstein-Barr (EBV) virus infections who are experiencing central nervous system (CNS) dysfunction. That's basically me.

EBV infection by itself doesn't cause too much trouble, but evidently, combined with reactivated HHV6, it causes quite a havoc--some of the symptoms being brain fog/memory problems (neurocognitive dysfunction), severe muscle pains and prolonged fatigue.

Like I mentioned before, most of us (about 90% of the general population) have gotten HHV6 in our bodies in the first 24 months of our lives (it's a respiratory infection). However, you rarely see a reactivated infection--except in cases of patients with severe fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, or other immune compromised hosts. I can only venture to guess that for some reason our immune system gave out and things went out of control, causing these viruses to seize our bodies.

It's an uphill battle, because I still don't know how well I'm absorbing nutrition as a recovering celiac. I am optimistic, though. I'm hoping I don't have to resort to using Valcyte (valganciclovir).

-A

外は嵐のような雨降りです。 (雨が横向きに降ってる。)
ダニエルに防水ズボンをはいてもらってよかった。 (^_^)

ヒト抗グロブリン(IgG)の注射第2弾を先週木曜にしてもらって、
現在回復中です。

前回、第1弾から3~4日でひどい副作用からは回復したので、
お医者様と相談して様子を見ながら一週間ごと、
6回連続して注射を投入してみることになりました。

今のところ、インフルエンザに頭を殴られたような感じは
過ぎ去って、痛い風邪をひいているような感じです。

先生と話したところ、この抗グロブリンを使う方法はいくらか
おだやかと言うか自然な方法だそうです。
(助けを得て自分の免疫系をサポートし、自分の体で
ウィルスをやっつけようとする方法だから。)

これでだめなら、Valcyte (バルガンシクロビル) という
抗ウィルス薬があり、EBウィルスとHHV6ウィルス両方の
感染症をもつ患者によく効くことが最近(去年12月)の
スタンフォード大モントーヤ教授の研究で確認されたそうです。 
その中では75%の確率で患者は回復したのですが、
人数が少ない研究だったので、もう少し調査対象を増やす
必要があるとのこと。

でもご想像通り、良く効く薬には副作用があります。
治療には6ヶ月ほどかかるのですが、化学療法の
ようなもので、最初の3ヶ月はほとんど何もできなく
なり、効果が出始めるのは3~6ヶ月目かその後。

ただし、普通の生活を送るのが難しかった人たちが、
研究の後には多数フルタイムの仕事に戻っていったと
いいます。 そのほかには、毒性があるため
骨髄の機能に影響するので、白血球が減ったり、
肝臓や腎臓に影響があったりします。

この研究は、HHV6(ヒトヘルペスウイルス6)と
EBウィルスEBV)両方感染症で、中枢神経系(CNS)の
機能障害がある患者を対象に行われたもの。
それって、まさに私ですね。

EBウィルス感染症はそれだけなら大きな影響は
ないのですが、HHV6(ヒトヘルペスウイルス6)の
再活性感染と組み合わせると面倒なことになるそうです。
頭がもやもやしたり記憶力が低下する神経認知の障害に
加え、ひどい疼痛や慢性の倦怠感が見られます。

前に言及した通り、普通の人殆ど(人口の90%ほど)は
赤ちゃんのとき1~2歳でHHV6に呼吸器感染しています。
それに再活性感染することは普通の人口ではあまり
見られないことですが、重度の線維筋痛症患者、または
慢性疲労症候群患者の一部や他の免疫不全宿主の場合
珍しくないそうです。何かの原因で免疫系が抑圧されて、
体内でウイルス側が勝ってしまうのでしょう。

セリアック病
のおかげでダメージを受けた腸の内膜を
治してる最中なので、どれほど栄養を吸収できているかわからず、
この「穏やか」なアプローチが効くかわかりませんが、
楽観的に効く!と考えていこうと思います。 
今まで出来るだけ薬を飲まない方向でやってきたので、
Valcyte
(バルガンシクロビル) を使わずに
済むといいのですが・・・。

-英

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Aki Matsuri (Fall Festival) 2007! - 秋祭り 2007!

Weather: Sunny; 61°F (It's 61 in Fahrenheit and 16 in Celsius - backwards! Isn't that cool?)
Energy Level: 2.5 out of 10
Mood: 3/10
Health: 2.5/10
This weekend is Eastside Aki Matsuri (Aki = fall, Matsuri = festival), the local Japanese fall festival which is in its 10th year! We got involved with the organization shortly after we moved here. I've managed to talk Daniel into doing the poster/T-shirt/program artwork for the organization with my rudimentary art direction, so his artwork is all over town and now people are wearing them! How exciting.

I've always loved festivals, and I get excited. How can you not? There are drums, songs, dances, games, a beautiful tea house constructed, food (although I can't eat much of it now), and all sorts of people and kids. It's kind of hard to rein in myself.

Having felt badly I couldn't contribute more during the past year, I was determined to volunteer at least some yesterday. The day before I wasn't feeling all that well so Daniel was skeptical if I'd make it, but miraculously, I woke up feeling OK. The plan was that Daniel would volunteer at the T-shirt sale booth for the afternoon, with me providing "morale support" (i.e. taking frequent breaks).

It was fun telling people about our design and the symbolism involved - I was too excited to share Daniel's work with the world. Predictably (although I really meant to take breaks), I didn't take much break. As a result, all my limbs (down to my palms, under nails, finger pads and toes) and back feel like someone's inserting needles into them. And I'm back to being dizzy. Oops. (My legs were swelling so bad my really loose socks' elastics were digging in about 1/4 inch all around - which didn't rebound after taking a bath, massaging, etc. - felt like an old lady.)

What I found hard was that people kept telling me I looked to be doing great. Perhaps it was meant to be a compliment, but I didn't know how to respond when someone said, "I'm glad! You look like you're doing just fine!" How do I respond to that? I didn't want to tell them, "Well, it hurts just standing here talking to you." I don't want any pity-fest, or make people feel bad. So I just smiled and said, "Thank you, I'm getting better." This made me feel like I'd be just plain lazy if I wasn't working. I need to learn to be more selfish if I wanted to get better.

I feel badly that I'm not there again today - my heart wants to be there day and night, helping out. I guess by trying to get better I'd be able to help out future causes. For now, I need to recover from yesterday.

-A

P.S. If anyone reads this in Seattle/Eastside today, head to Bellevue Community College!
More info: Eastside Nihon Matsuri Association

天候: 晴れ 16°C
元気度(勢い): 2.5/10 
気分: 3/10
体調: 2.5/10

今週末2日間は、地域の方に日本文化とお祭りを楽しんで
いただける第十回イーストサイド秋祭りです。
引っ越してきてほどなくまとめ役の方々にお会いして、
お手伝いをさせて頂いています。 (といっても私はあまり
出来ていないけれど。) ダニエルに頼んでポスター、
Tシャツ、プログラムのデザインを手伝ってもらったので、
街中に彼のデザインが貼ってあり、昨日からはみんなが
着て歩いています。 嬉しーい。

昔からお祭り好きなので、わくわくしてしまいます。
太鼓に、踊りにゲーム、仮設したデモ用の素敵な茶室、
食べ物(殆ど食べられないけど)に、子供が駆け回る人ごみ。
自分の手綱を引いておとなしくしているのは難しいです。

昨年中全くと言っていいほどお手伝いが出来ず悪ーいと
思っていたので、体調がどうであれ初日ちょっとはボランティアする
心づもりでした。 前日あまり体調が良くなかったのでダニエルは
「来なくていいよー」と言っていたのですが、奇跡的(?)に当日
起きた当初は悪くない気分! プランとしては、ダニエルが
午後Tシャツを売るブースでボランティアするのをサイドラインから
サポートする(休憩を頻繁にとる)という予定だったのですが・・・。

ダニエルの描いた絵の意味の説明や、来ていただいたお客様と
お話するのに夢中になって、ついついあまり休憩せずに時間が
過ぎてしまいました。 その結果、手のひら、爪の下、指先、
爪先にいたるまで手足、さらには背中も、誰かが針を刺して
くれてるような感触です。 そしてクラクラ。 ウップス。
(足はむくんでしまって、ゆるーい靴下を履いていったにも
関わらず5ミリくらいくいこんだ痕がお風呂に入ろうがマッサージ
しようが取れなかった。。。 おばあさんかいな私は。)

困ったのは、会う人会う人に「良かった、お元気そうで」と
言われたこと。 ほめ言葉(?)なのかも知れないのですが、
なんて答えたらいいんでしょう? 哀れみを受けたくはないし、
悪いと思わせたくもないので、「うーん、ここに立って話してるのも
痛くて辛いんですけど」とは言えないし。 笑って、「はあ、
お陰さまでだんだん良くなってきました」と言うしかありません。

でもそう言うと、なんだか働かなかったら怠け者、みたいな
気分に駆られてしまいました。 良くなる為には、わがままになるのを
覚えないといけないのかも。

今日もお手伝いできなくて申し訳ないです。
気持ちとしては、朝から晩までお手伝いしたいんだけど。
良くなろうとすることで将来のお手伝いができる、と
思うしかありません。 今のところ、昨日のダメージから
回復しようとするのがやっとです。

-英

P.S. シアトル近郊に住んでらっしゃる方がこれを今日読んだら、
良かったらベルビューコミュニティカレッジに行ってみてください。
ヨーヨー釣りなどできます。
詳細: Eastside Nihon Matsuri Association

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Note to self - 自分へのメモ(ほんとに)

↑ She doesn't like flashes so she squints.
She's not evil. I swear.

Note to future self (seriously - so I don't forget):

Do not start any project, esp. one involving a massive amount of medical paperwork, upon wakening, prior to taking thyroid and cortisol pills. No need to start the day uphill.

-A

忘れないように未来の自分にメモ。

起き抜けに(つまりは甲状腺の薬とコルチゾールを
飲む前に)、医療関係の書類整理のような
一大プロジェクトをはじめるのはアホ極まりない
(打ちひしがれること必至)。 
ので、これからは午後にはじめること。

~~~((( -_-)フラー

-英

Friday, July 27, 2007

Pain + Martinelli's = Happiness - 痛み + マーティネリ = 幸せ。

Weather: Another lovely sunny day in Seattle! 69°F
Energy Level: 3 out of 10 (hmm.)
Mood: Pretty good, actually
Health: Still a little dizzy, and... read on.

↑ Now (memory in the making)

I'm a lucky, lucky girl with a very nice husband. Currently this girl is learning to pace herself.

I woke up feeling like someone beat me up with a stick during the night (I don't think Daniel did that - I didn't find a stick anywhere) and I'd completed a triathlon without properly training for it. (Normally I wake up feeling like I'd completed a marathon without completely training for it, which I have done in real life. I've never completed a triathlon, but you get the gist -I'm assuming it hurts more than a marathon.)

With a very painful throat, I looked in there to see if I'd gotten a strep or something. While I didn't see white spots in the back of the throat, there were little red spots like bug bites everywhere. Eek.

This may be due to the fact I sat out in the open to count traffic for Cascade Bicycle Club yesterday for a couple of hours. They are advocating for the original Seattle Bicycle Master Plan, some of which could crumble under some pressure from a minority of local businesses in Fremont, by providing the city with a more current and accurate traffic count/traffic makeup (what % is industrial trucks, passenger cars, bicycles, pedestrians, etc.). So they needed volunteers to count the rush hour traffic.

(If you live in Seattle area and want a safer city for alternative transportation options, contact the Mayor here!)

I'd been dying for a chance to volunteer to contribute to the community in some way, because while I've been sick, I felt like I was not contributing to the society.

The condition probably could not have been much better. It was a pleasant sunny weather in the 70s yesterday, but in the last 30 minutes of the rush hour, the street corner I was sitting on turned into a complete shade and I got chilled.

I've been trying to get over a chronic Epstein-Barr virus (mono virus) infection for the last 5-6 months or so - maybe I wasn't ready to be out in the open that long. Crap.

I stumbled back home, totally cold and dizzy from following numerous cars on the road with my eyes. (I didn't think it would be all that bad, sitting there and counting traffic, but holding up the clipboard and counting hundreds of cars zipping through the intersection were not easy for the current version of me.) Now, although it's 75 degrees in our place, I'm in the long warm alpaca wool sweater Daniel got me from Peru, complete with L.L. Bean slipper socks. Oh well.

So this morning I called a nurse, who recommended a wait-and-see approach for now, with warm salt water gargling and soft diet (chicken broth, warm apple juice, etc.) for the day. Upon hearing this Daniel jumped to the occasion, ran (or walked) to the nearby store and brought me back organic chicken stock and Martinelli's cider - all before going to work!

(Now as I write this, I'm finding myself a little annoying... sorry Daniel.)

↑ Then (sweet memories)

Martinelli's juice holds a special place in my heart, because my mom used to buy the little 10 oz. round bottle (which was completely overpriced and totally expensive, being an import, and dollar used to be much more expensive against yen) when we were younger, and my brother and I used to share one. It was sweet like no apple juice in Japan (they tend to make Japanese apple juices with more tang - different species of apple - which I now like). It was like drinking honey, and when we had one it was a big treat. (I now dilute it with water, because it's almost too sweet as is!)

Bonus: Martinelli's web site's FAQ section states that "all of the products that Martinelli's manufactures are gluten-free." Yeah!

Wow, now I have a giant bottle of Martinelli's. I have such a nice husband. :-)))

-A

Resources:
Some allege backpedaling with changes to bike plan (Seattle Times article - clever wording, no?)
Changing Lanes: Business Leader Kills Stone Way Bike Lane (Stranger article)


(水曜日には疲れてたのと、地域のことに関する考えだったこともあり
日本語にしなくてごめんなさーい。)

天候: またもや晴れ! 21°C
元気度: 3/10
気分: けっこう気分はいいです。
体調: まだちょっとめまい中~。

私は優しいだんな様がいて幸せ者です。。。

自分の現在のペースがどんなもの(であるべき)なのか学び中。

今日起きたところ、寝てる間に袋叩きにされたか、
(バットも見あたらないし、されなかったと思う)
ちゃんと筋トレせずにトライアスロンでもしてみたような
痛みでした~。

(ちゃんとトレーニングせずにマラソンを走ってみたことは
あるものの、トライアスロンをしたことはありません。
普段は筋トレせずにマラソンでもしたような感じなのが、
もう一段階ひどかった、ということ。)

で、あまりに喉が痛かったので、ちょっと口の奥をのぞいてみました。
連鎖球菌性咽頭炎のときのように白い斑点はなかったものの、
虫刺されみたいに赤い点々が奥にいっぱい。 いや~ん。

昨日外に座って2時間ほど交通量の調査を手伝ったせいかも
知れません。 シアトルでは自転車、歩行者がもっと安全に移動しやすく
なるよう都市計画を立てていたのですが、少数の反対意見のおかげで
計画の一部がチャラになりそうなので、地元の自転車クラブ、
カスケード・バイシクル・クラブが中心となって
正確な交通量を把握して元の計画を支持しようとしているのです。
そこで、ラッシュアワーに商用トラック、乗用車、自転車、歩行者の
交通量を数えるボランティアを募集していたのでした。

(シアトル近辺に住んでいる方で、車の渋滞を減らして
交通手段を増やすのに安全な地域にしたいと思われる方がいらしたら
ここから市長にメールして下さい!)

のほほ~んと病気しているだけでいると全然社会貢献をしてないようで
焦ってしまい、地域の為に何かボランティアした~いとずっと
思っていたので、2時間だけということで飛びついたのでした。

多分気候などはこの上ない状態だったと思います。
寒くもなく暑くもない、風もあまりない晴れの日でした。
でもラッシュアワーの最後の30分、座っていた角が
日陰になって冷えてしまったようです。

ここ5~6ヶ月、EBウイルス(単核症のウイルス)の慢性感染症から
抜け出そうとしているのですが、ちょっと気分が良くなったので
油断しました。 外に2時間座るのはまだ時期尚早だったかも。

座って交通量を調査するだけならそんなに悪くないよね、と思って
参加したのですが、ラッシュアワーの車が何百とびゅんびゅん過ぎるのを
目で追って数えて、終わったときには目まいクラクラで寒気が満開、
クリップボードを持った腕はじんじん痛くなってしまいました。
家の中は今24度くらいですが、ダニエルがペルーで買ってきてくれた
あったかいアルパカのセーターと、LLビーンの毛糸の靴下スリッパ
着こんでこれを書いています。 反省。

という訳で今朝看護婦さんとお話したところ、暖かい塩水でうがいをしつつ、
チキンスープや暖かくしたりんごジュースなどを飲んで固形物は食べず、
しばらく様子を見ましょう、ということでした。
これを聞いて、すぐ行動に出たダニエル。
近所の店に駆けつけ(歩いて)、仕事に出る前に、
チキンスープとマーティネリのジュースを買ってきてくれました!

(私って迷惑なやつ、とちょっと自己嫌悪。 ダニエルごめんね。)

その昔、(歳がばれますね)ドルがまだ規制されていてとんでもなく
高かった頃、輸入品ということで日本のジュースより何倍も高かった、
丸いかわいい瓶に入ったマーティネリのジュースを時たま母に
三浦屋で買ってもらって、兄と半分ずつ分けたものです。
蜂蜜のように甘いそのジュースは私達にはご馳走でした。
(無論こっちではもっと安い。 今は甘すぎて水で薄めています。
年を追うにつれ日本の甘酸っぱいりんごジュースも好きになりました。)
その思い出があって、マーティネリは今でも大好きです。

それに、マーティネリのホームページ、「良くある質問」の中で、
「マーティネリの製品は全てグルテンフリーです」と書いてあります
やったー。

という訳で、大きなマーティネリのジュースがある今日。
優しいだんな様がいてくれて良かった。 (^_^)

-英

関連記事:
Some allege backpedaling with changes to bike plan (シアトルタイムス)
Changing Lanes: Business Leader Kills Stone Way Bike Lane (ストレンジャー)

Friday, June 15, 2007

Becoming my own healthcare manager - 自分のケアマネージャーになる

(My hands/wrists and arms hurt too much to continue onto the Japanese part... sorry; I'll do that when I can. / 手と腕が痛くなって日本語の部分が出来ませんでした。 また少しよくなったら書き足します。 悪しからず。)

One of the first things I did when I figured out I had fibromyalgia (FMS) last year was to try to find a fibromyalgia research program nearby. Luckily, I found one at the clinic run by University of Washington, (almost) right next door from where I live!

Why? I know some people are afraid they'd be guinea pigs in a research program. It was because I was feeling so crappy after our wedding in September, I was desperate for any help (I also had a scary day that summer when I couldn't even cross one crosswalk without excruciating pain in some muscle and stopping, so that really freaked me out). And because there was so little information out there about how to feel better when you have FMS. There are standard blah blah blah's about what happens, what the symptoms are (it hurts all over your body, you're tired all the time, you become even more of a space cadet from "fibro brain fog"), but not much on what could be the cause (they don't know exactly) or what makes you feel/get better. (Except for pain meds and SSRI/SNRIs which may or may not help you suppress the pain.)

Fibromyalgia seems VERY common. By some estimates, 8 to 12 million people in the U.S. have it. That's like 1 in 22-33 people, which is about the size of a normal person's social circle. So naturally, every time I talk to someone, it seems they know someone who's had it ("oh, my mom's friend has that;" "yeah you know, so-and-so has that"). Not to make light of any cancer by any means, because cancer is devastating, but that's much more common than, say, breast cancer. About 4 to 6 times more common.

So why is there no public awareness campaign, colored ribbon, or charity walks (or whatever) for this disease, which takes away life-as-you-know-it from so many people? My theory is that no one dies from it. It's much more traumatic to see someone die; or see them go through chemo therapy, be in excruciating discomfort from treatments for a period, lose hair and/or lose a breast, than seeing someone with FMS whose symptoms are invisible and persistent. People with FMS probably stop complaining after a while about their relentless pain all over the body all day every day, afraid to alienate friends and family. All our body parts are still intact. So we don't have those friends/family advocating for their lost ones or lost body parts.

(To prove this point, when a famous Japanese former news anchor killed herself supposedly because of her agony with FMS, a flurry of attention was paid to the condition right after.)

Another thing is, very few people get completely better from it, so there are no "survivors" who are pumped up to advocate for the remaining/upcoming patients. People with FMS are always tired and in pain, and a lot of times blood flow to the brain decreases that they feel like they may not be as sharp as they used to feel (my theory is your brain is busy reacting to the "ItHurtsItHurtsItHurtsItHurtsItHurts OuchOuchOuchOuchOuch" thoughts that it has little room left). When you're tired, in pain AND feeling dumb, it's kind of hard to lead a great public awareness campaign.

Also since the condition varies so greatly from one person to the next, which means each person's etiology is very individual, there is little hope that we can create a drug or "cure" to help all FMS patients. It's a complex, often mysterious series of symptoms, which affects more than one body part. It's not like Viagra, where they could say, "Look! We made your penis stand up!" That means the big drug companies are not that motivated to put money into it or create public awareness about the condition (have you noticed that a lot of PR campaign about a condition usually comes after some drug comes out?).

All of this results in poor information distribution, and less awareness in the medical community. Although it is a distinct set of symptoms and it's known that FMS patients' central nervous system is somehow affected in a particular way to screw up our pain mechanism, a lot of doctors still call it a "waste basket diagnosis," or something that's "all in her/his head." Some say it's "difficult to diagnose," but I've learned that for a doctor who knows what she/he is doing, they can take a systematic approach and diagnose you fairly easily (it may take time and lots of tests, but it is very clear).

This is kind of understandable, considering in modern medicine, doctors are encouraged to have only one "specialty," whether that be neurology or surgery or family medicine. As any specialist's practice is focused in one area, doctors tend to dismiss what doesn't fit in the mold/thinking of their particular practice. Most of the time we see a family practice physician who is required to know a bit about hundreds of conditions if not thousands, and since most of them don't come across an FMS patient very often, it's only fair that they may not be most up-to-date about it (although some doctors are willing to learn more than others). A lot of the doctors have heard about it, read about it in some journal, which may or may not be up-to-date. So rather than "I've seen a lot of this, I know what to do," it's more like, "I've heard that this may or may not work for some FMS patients."

While I really liked my naturopath, I realized, and he realized, that his expertise may be limited in order to stabilize my urgent symptoms and possible underlying infections. He was diligent enough to test me for - and find out - my vitamin D deficiency and Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) infection, but wasn't really comfortable to interpret the EBV data as he hadn't seen enough of it.

So I figured, I need to get myself close to the source of FMS information - the people who are actively trying to find out what works. (This was before I found my doctor at Fibromyalgia and Fatigue Center, who is working to stabilize my immune deficiency.) I wasn't the type to sit back and wait to see if someone would deliver some latest drug to me via an ad in REDBOOK magazine. I'd have to become an expert myself, so I can manage my care and symptoms, choose what treatments I want - I need to become my own health care manager, not a passive patient!

The big drug companies may not be interested, but NIH is concerned enough to make a grant for fibromyalgia research, and there are people at Univ. of Washington (UW) Fibromyalgia Research Program who cared enough to apply for that grant. And their research program doesn't involve drugs; it's more about effects of self-management of pain through progressive stretching/strengthening exercises and proven pain management techniques, so the pain doesn't get worse and hopefully get better. The program also teaches us to kind of trick our brain, so it would be distracted from pain, so to speak. They also taught us: Endorphins we can make our body produce is more powerful than any opiates, even morphine; so if we can trick our body to produce it, their theory is that it must help our pain with no side effects. Sounds good to me. (It also helps that it's not one of those double-blind studies, so everyone who participates get the most effective program.)

I Google'd them, contacted them and signed up a long time ago (like 6 months ago), but because I was recovering from an acute Epstein-Barr virus infection (a.k.a. mono), they had to have me wait for more than the normal 8-week waiting period (they were afraid my body was too weak to start the exercises). So I just started a couple of weeks ago. We meet with a health psychologist and physical therapist every week for 8 weeks, to learn better pain management skills (tricks of the trade).

One of the problems with FMS patients is that since it hurts everywhere all the time, it becomes hard to get up and move about (sometimes it feels like someone's inserting needles into my feet/legs/hands/arms/back/neck - other times they're sore - other times it feels like some broken glass particles are going through my veins every time the blood pumps). Just like when you wear a cast on a broken leg or arm, not moving around weakens/shortens your muscles, bones and other soft tissues. Then moving becomes even harder, and soreness worse when you do move (since the pain is kind of amplified in an FMS patient's brain). This vicious cycle continues, and for some, becomes a road to disability.

So one of the study's premises is to keep your flexibility and mobility through exercise - every day, no matter how much it hurts. So I end up stretching/strengthening my various body parts for about 30 minutes every day, going through breathing exercises to relax all my muscles, and doing an aerobics exercise for 20-30 minutes every day (started from 6 minutes/day), hopefully to increase over time. Theoretically, certain exercises help us produce more endorphins, so we may hurt less in the future. It doesn't sound like much, but when your body feels like you've just ran a marathon on all fours while having a bad flu, it becomes an epic journey.

I guess sometimes the best thing you can do is to put one foot in front of the other, and hope that leads to a better place. :-)

P.S. A bonus: I must become really, really healthy at the end of this, even if it hurts! Yay!

P.P.S. (Post June 21) Now that Lyrica (see my post on June 25) from Pfizer has been approved by FDA for fibromyalgia treatment, I bet we'll see ads popping up, asking us: "Can you have fibromyalgia?"

Monday, June 11, 2007

Vive La Nordstrom - ノードストロム万歳

(Nordstrom is obviously feminine, isn't it?)

Daniel might say I have an unhealthy obsession with shopping, and particularly, shopping for shoes or at Nordstrom. I don't deny it.

My roommate in college, Julia, may agree - except she was right up there with me. One Xmas, Julia and I presented each other a magnet in the shape of a Nordstrom card and a license plate frame that read "I'd rather be shopping at Nordstrom;" we hugged, and both said, "You know me so well." (OK, so we bought them together. I'm not even mentioning late-night Super Kmart runs at 1 AM when our daytime shopping urge wasn't satiated. Good times.)

Years ago when I was asked if I was willing to move to Colorado, one of my questions was, "There'll be a Nordstrom there, right?" (Luckily, a new one was being constructed at that time, and now thanks to my endless campaigning to the communities around me, they have two.) So you see, there is not much hope for change.

As I was moving back to Seattle after a 15-year hiatus, I was soooo happy to come back to the mother ship: The Flagship Nordstrom in downtown Seattle!

So naturally, one of the most detrimental affects of my illness has been my inability to endure shopping trips - especially to Nordstrom. I can't drive for long without overwhelming fatigue and pain; can't stand car rides much of the time; I wear out quickly and start becoming sweaty when trying things on, etc. As a result, I've gotten way too familiar with the UPS delivery man (a.k.a. online shopping). I realize that's better for environment and everything, but it's just not the same.

I had been hesitant to make any social plans, afraid to have to cancel because of a bad day. But when my friend Eve said she wanted to go shoe shopping (out of all things!) I just couldn't resist. I hadn't really gone shopping in months and the cabin fever was getting to me. Just going to doctors' appointments doesn't count as having a social life. AND Nordstrom was having their Half Yearly Sale, which made my heart skip a beat.

I'm starting to learn from all the literature given to me that an important thing is to have a fall back plan, because if I hold myself to standards of the past (e.g. all-day outing) I would inevitably fail.

Since Eve is a very nice person, I knew I could tell her honestly what's going on. So:
- I asked Eve to drive and didn't offer to meet somewhere - she met me at my place.
- We planned for a short-ish shopping day on Sunday after ample pampering (such as manicure with hand massage).
- I had multiple back-up plans (if I get exhausted, I can (1) call the day off; (2) not go shopping and end the day on a good note after the manicure, being happy we got to catch up; or (3) call Daniel to come pick me up so Eve can keep shopping, so I wouldn't kill myself feeling bad to cut her shopping short).
- Wore my flat Keds instead of the perfect wedge heels which went with the outfit better.

Too many times I wanted to do things in exactly the same manner as I used to do them, which resulted in disappointments. If I stuck out with just one rigid plan and felt miserable doing it, making myself sick in the process, I'd be less likely to participate in anything in the future, and that would be even more annoying. So as selfish as it may seem, I decided to become honest about my needs and possible outcomes (plural).

I think that reduced the stress level - I had one of the best days I'd had in months. So we hit the downtown Nordstrom, among a few other spots, and came home with the bounty: Eve's new shoes she'll wear to a wedding, which go with the gorgeous silk dress her husband brought home from China. It was very satisfying.

After taking a nap yesterday, I am a bit more tired today than usual with a few more aches and pains, but not bad! It's not killing me for once. If I have to get over it for the next couple of days, I'd take it, because it was totally worth it. I believe adrenalin and endorphin (which is said to reduce pain, right?) were released as a result of shopping. Maybe someone should turn this in to a research: Effect of Successful Shopping Trips in Fibromyalgia Patients.

They say men are hunters, but I think women are hunters of pretty things.

Thanks Eve and Daniel for your support. Here's to great girlfriends and partners.
-A

(ノードストロムは多分女性名詞ですよね?)
日本の方へ:ノードストロムはこちらのデパートです。
一番お気に入りのデパートと置き換えて読んで下さい。

ダニエルに言わせると、私はショッピング中毒かも。 
特に靴とノードストロムでのショッピング。 否認はしません。

大学の時一緒に住んでいたジュリアも同じことを言うかも分かりませんが、
少なくとも彼女は同類だったといえます。

とあるクリスマス、お互いにあげたプレゼントの中には、
ノードストロムのカードを模ったマグネットと、
「(今ここにいるよりは)ノードストロムでショッピングしてる方がよっぽど好き」
と書いてあるナンバープレートのフレーム。
ハグしつつ、「私のことわかってくれてるのね」と言いあったものです。
(一緒に買ったんだけど。)

10年ほど前、コロラドに引っ越さない?と聞かれたときに考えたのは、
「そこにはノードストロムはあるんでしょうね?」ということですから、
救いようがありません。
(そのときコロラドのノードストロム第1号は工事中。
私が周りのみんなにお勧めしたおかげで、
今はめでたく2軒あります。)

シアトルに今回また15年ぶりに舞い戻る際にも、
ノードストロム本店に帰れる!と喜んだものでした。

というわけで(しょうもない)、体調を崩して一番つらいことの一つは、
ショッピングに、特にノードストロムに自由に行けないこと。

運転するのも車に乗るのも大抵つらいし、すぐに疲れてしまって、
試着なんてしようものなら汗がすぐにじんできます。
そんなこんなで、宅急便のお兄さんと必要以上に
顔見知りになってしまいました。
(オンラインショッピングとも言う。)

環境の為には通販でお買い物したほうが
車で出かけるよりいいって言いますけど、
やっぱりお店に行くのとはちょっと違います。

具合が突然悪くなるのを恐れて、
お友達と出かける計画をたてるのはここのところずっと避けていました。
でもここ何ヶ月かショッピングなしに閉じこもりきりで我慢も限界。
お友達のイブが「靴探しに一緒に行かない?」と言ってきたときには、
二つ返事。 だって、お医者さんと病院に通うだけでは、
社会と接しているとは言いかねますし気が滅入ります。
ときに、ノードストロムの半期決算セールは真っ最中!
バーゲン好きの血が燃える! しかも靴探し!

いろいろ線維筋痛症や慢性の痛みに関する文献を通じて、
物事が上手くいかなかった際の計画をたてておくことが大事と
だんだんわかってきました。
今までと同じに事を進めようと思ったら(一日中出かけるとか)、
上手くいかないのが必至だから。

イブはとってもいい人なので、正直に全部打ち明けられます。
そこで、いろいろ計画を練りました。
  • 自分で運転してそれだけで疲れることのないよう、
    彼女に運転してもらって迎えにきてもらう。
  • 一日中出かけるのではなく、日曜日午後から、
    短時間のショッピングを計画。 しかもネイルサロンで
    手をマッサージしてもらって十分リラックスしてから。
  • 疲れてしまったときの為に、いくつもプランを用意。
    (1) もし無理だったら最初から行かない。
    (2) 途中で疲れてしまったらネイルサロンで
       話ができたことを喜び、そこまでで止めておく。
    (3) ダウンタウンに行ってから疲れてしまったら、
       イブはそのままショッピングを続けられるよう
       ダニエルに迎えに来てもらうことにする。
       (そうしないと悪いと思って無理するかも知れないから。)
  • 洋服とばっちり合うウェッジヒールの靴ではなく、
    ちょっとださくても快適なケッズのぺたんこ靴を履いていく・・・など。
今までは、具合の悪くなる前のように何かしたいと
思っても出来ずがっかりすることばかり。 
以前と同じ調子で計画を立てても現実的ではないし、
その後体調が悪化すれば落胆して余計引きこもってしまいます。

ですからかなりわがままのようですが、
しょうがないので自分のニーズと、ありがちな結果(複数)を
最初からオープンに検討してみました。

多分こうすることで、ストレスを防げた面が多かったと思います。
ダウンタウンのノードストロムとお店いくつかに
久しぶりに行って、獲物を捕らえてきました。
イブが今月お友達の結婚式に行くとき履ける、
ご主人が中国で作ってきてくれたドレスにぴったりの靴。
すごく満足!

昨日帰ってきてお昼寝し、
一夜明けて今日、少しいつもよりも疲れて
あちこち痛くはありますが、死にそうではありません。
むこう2~3日で回復できるとしたら、行った価値はありました。

ショッピングのおかげで、
アドレナリンとエンドルフィンが分泌されて
痛み止めになったのかも! (^-^)
ひらめき: 誰か、「線維筋痛症患者における
成功したショッピングの効用」というような研究をすべきなのでは?

ステレオタイプで言うと昔から男性は狩人とされてきましたが、
女性はきれいなもの、素敵なものを捜し求める狩人だと思います。

イブとダニエル、ありがとう。
いい友達とパートナーに乾杯。