Aging while being sick (and during an election cycle)

Hello Kitty Pumpkin! Truly awesome.

Happy Halloween Eve! (For those of you I haven't emailed: You must check out The 7 Types of Pet Costumes.)

I’m barely making my once-a-month post… My friend Mick left me a comment on my last post (which had to do with the fall festival): “Please post a new page before a 'snow festival' starts.”

Ha ha, very funny. Hey, at least it’s not time for the cherry blossom festival yet! So would you forgive me?

A couple of days ago, I found my second piece of gray hair. For the first one, which I think I found a few months back, I had this visceral reaction to pluck it, although they say you shouldn’t do that. I realize a lot of folks get gray at a younger age, so I shouldn’t gripe about it, but it was so shiny and silver among my brown/black hair it shocked me a little bit. Yes, I plucked it again. I blame this one on the election season.

(You know you’re being too obsessive when you’re incessantly checking Google News & cnn.com & politico.com & FiveThirtyEight.com on top of your regular NPR programming, and you’ve read one too many article on slate.com and The New Yorker magazine. I usually don't mind my limited exposure to The New Yorker to be at my Bostonian therapist’s office -- although their endorsement for Obama presidency was one of the most eloquent prior to Gen. Colin Powell's, which also referenced a beautiful, haunting picture in the magazine. The “election season” has gone on for waaaay too long, and the suspense is killing me. I'm bad at sitting still... as I'm too sick to volunteer, I’d like to go into a cryogenic freeze chamber and come out Wednesday morning.)

I always hoped to age gracefully. We live in a culture that’s obsessed with youth, but I always believed with age came wisdom, and along that reasoning, that aging must be a good thing.

Except I don’t feel particularly wiser, than, say, when I started becoming sick about two years ago. For that matter, I don’t feel particularly older, either. Having been sick and spending much of my time in bed and various clinics has felt a little bit like having been in a glass box -- like the one depicted by mimes. I’m in there, and my life is paused, while I watch everyone else outside, living their lives and moving. Friends have had babies, loved ones passed on, and here I am, kind of in the same place, in the same old glass box.

Behold: squirrel mime.

Of course I’m probably feeling like this because I’m writing this with my left hand while getting my nth (who can keep the count?) anti-viral IV, which I’ve been getting weekly. Since this summer my lovely & chronic Epstein-Barr viral infection (a.k.a. mono) seems to have flared up, with accompanying tonsillitis to boot. I don’t know if my Vancouver jaunt was premature, or if it was the combination of that with other summer activities, but according to the key witness (a.k.a. husband), “It was a steady downward spiral for a while there,” a bit like Sarah Palin’s approval rating.

Fortunately, not my throat...
The Wiki picture of tonsillitis. Yikes!
My white spots are much smaller now, thank you.

My white blood cell count is now in the low end of acceptable range, but not high enough to fight off my infections, and my natural killer cell count is… well, let’s just say they apparently barely exist.

I also got my most recent mercury test result back, and the news is mixed. It’s gone down a little bit from before (yay), yet it’s still twice as high as the upper limit of normal range (boo). And I have high levels of lead and tin (why?!). Having been a good student most of my life, getting back bad test results feels like failure, like I’m not a good patient or something.

I know I shouldn’t feel that way. Although I still get low fever every time I move around a little bit, I’m definitely doing a little better than I was in September. I can drive myself to my appointments instead of taking a cab. So who knows, maybe soon, my glass box can turn into a mosquito net, from which I can step out.

In the meantime, I need to gain back some weight. (I used to have a roommate in high school who weighed something like 95 pounds at 5'7", and she was always complaining she couldn’t find clothes that fit. I was a little chubby back then and I thought she was a bitch for complaining about such things -- 20 years later, I feel her pain. Hey, maybe I am becoming wiser. This illness is teaching me empathy!) If you’re in the area and want to go grab some prime rib shabu shabu or BBQ ribs (sorry, my vegetarian friends! Sometimes a girl needs pure fat before winter), give me a holler. If you’re not in the area but want to help boost my natural killer cell count, go vote for Barack Obama (just kidding… well, not really).


Obama '08 - Vote For Hope from MC Yogi on Vimeo.

-A

（まだこれを日本語にする元気はナイ・・・
すみません m(__)m ）

Losing weight? w/o meaning to -- ダイエットしてないんだけど。。。

↑
I don't personally own this one, but aren't Japanese bras cuter?
これは持ってないけど、日本の下着のほうがかわいいですよね〜。

Now that I'm back in the blogsphere and have established I'm often not capable of writing anything deep or meaningful, I feel much better.

I'm justifying this by thinking that many people with my conditions experience what's commonly known as brain fog, and that they may feel better by knowing I'm in a foggy state. :-P

I've been noticing that my pants are getting looser lately, and I'm rather curious to go back to see the doctor and step on a scale. (We don't own one.) I was muttering last summer I thought I gained weight, but it seems it was just a case of edema from my thyroid gland not working properly. My weight had mostly stayed the same, and I'm eating as much as ever, so I'm not sure what's happening now. Maybe I'm still not absorbing nutrition properly from my small intestine. (Or, maybe my flesh just shifted downward due to gravity. In time I'll have really fat feet!)

The downsides of (inadvertently and possibly) losing weight in your mid-30s:

1. It seems you only lose from the top and not from the bottom. Not good if you don't have much on the top to begin with.
2. It's disconcerting to see the ribs on chest and midsection, especially since I'm neither Mary-Kate or Ashley.
   
3. You notice some previously unknown wrinkles on your face.
4. I may have to buy new clothes. (Although this could potentially be construed as a positive.)

The upsides (?) of losing weight:

1. I can take off some pants without unbuttoning, saving me time.
2. I no longer have to ask, "Do I look fat in these pants?"
3. I may be able play on monkey bars again.
4. My nice husband thinks he should cook me even more nutritious food.

I now have a good collection of bras in various sizes, and American sizing is becoming too big on me! Which led me to shop on Japanese websites (shipped to my mother), which led her to ask, "[getting this many bras,] does Daniel ever ask you, 'how many breasts do you really have?'"

Fortunately, I have a very understanding husband who enjoys my pseudo fashion shows of new arrivals (thus far). I'm a lucky girl. And no, I don't have 20 breasts, thank you very much.

-A

ブログワールドに久々に戻ってきて、自分はあほなことをしばしば書くひとなんです、と確立（？）して、ちょっと気が楽になりました。

でも、私と同じような病状の人は俗に言われる「ブレイン・フォグ」、あんまり考えることがしずらい状態をよく体験するので、そういう人が読んだら、「あ、この人もぼーっとしてるのね」と共感できるのでは？と勝手に正当化しています。

今日はしてもいないダイエットのお話。

骨太で日本人にしては結構大柄の私ですが、なんだか最近ジーンズやチノパンがゆるくなってしょうがありません。　うちに体重計はないので、次に主治医に会ったとき、体重を計ってみるのが楽しみです（痩せたかもしれないからではなく、好奇心で）。

去年の夏、太ってやだ〜、とぶつぶつ言っていましたが、実はその時期には体重はそんなに変移しておらず、甲状腺機能の低下で、むくんでいただけでした。　今までと同じで食欲だけはいつもあってたっぷり食べてるのに、なんなんでしょう。　まだ、小腸から栄養が吸収できてないのかな。 （それか、単に重力に逆らえず肉が下方面に移動しただけなのか？ 　そのうち足がシュレックみたいに大きくなるのかも）

３０半ばのおばはんになって、（もしかしたら）痩せたことのマイナス面：

1. 上半身だけ痩せて、下半身はあまり変わらない。もともと貧弱な上半身の場合特に困ります。
2. 胸の上と下、両方あばらが見えるのはちょっと嫌。　オルセン姉妹じゃあるまいし。
   
3. 顔の、今までなかったところにしわができたような気がする。
4. お洋服が合わないので新しい服が必要かも。 （これはプラスととれることもあるかも知れないけど）

プラス（？）面：

1. ジーンズなどによってはボタンを外さずに脱げるので急いでいたら時間の節約になる
2. 「このパンツ、太って見える？」と聞かなくて済む
3. また運梯で遊べるかもしれない。
4. 優しい旦那様がもっと栄養のあるものを料理してくれようとする

サイズが変移するおかげで、いろいろなサイズのブラジャーコレクションができました。　アメリカのものだとなんだか大きくてすかすかする（寂しい・・・）ので、日本の通販サイトで買ったものを実家に送って母に転送してもらうのですが（お母さんありがとう）、去年からバーバファミリーのようにいろいろ変わってきたのを個人輸入エージェントとして体験した彼女は、「ダニエルさんに、'いったい君は胸がいくつあるの？'とか聞かれない？」と心配していました。　（もっともな心配。）

幸運なことに、私のだんな様はとても理解があり、（今のところ）新着ファッションショーをエンジョイしてくれます。　ありがたいことですね〜。　なにかの副作用で胸が２０個になったわけではないので、ご心配なく！

-英

Gettin' used to feeling chunky - 自分のずんぐりした姿に慣れること。

Weather: Cloudy; 62°F - but in the 70s during the day
Energy Level: 3.5 out of 10
Mood: Still yo-yo'ing
Health: Better than the last time I wrote, but tired from the weekend

↑ Tiffany & Andy's deck -
right in the smack middle of Genesee Park,
where SeaFair was! Blue Angels were coming
right at us. No kidding. Really.

Maybe I'm being vain, but I can't help being a girl. I totally feel chunky.

Let me back up a little. This past weekend was great fun, because Chris and Ian, our friends from Colorado (although Chris lives in Burbank, CA now) were visiting to attend a friend's wedding here in Seattle. Ruth, Chris's lovely wife, was supposed to be here too, but a glitch in her pregnancy prevented her from coming :-( She's feeling OK, but please send some good energy in the direction of Southern California!

So among other things, we got to visit with the familiar faces from Colorado. We hadn't seen Tiffany and Andy (who also moved to Seattle) forever, at least not since they bought their house, and we got to do a brunch at their place. I was happy because I was dying to get something for their housewarming. Among other little things, I found a "Foot in the Door" door stopper, which you can see a bit of in the picture.

It was great to socialize and soak up some sun. I realized I must be more extroverted than I previously thought - having (good) people around really cheered me up. I realized, even if I wasn't feeling completely up to it physically (hence the mountain of pillows I brought to alleviate pain), I should go ahead and try to socialize.

Being a good, responsible man that he is, Chris already sent us the online picture album of his trip to Seattle, which included the picture above among others.

I really enjoyed the pictures, so I really don't want Chris to feel bad about sending them around. But I must admit, it was kind of hard to see myself kind of out of it, sickly, and chunky.

I've had a sneaky suspicion that I was getting a little heavier, because my jeans have been tighter. (We don't own a scale.) I've been having thyroid dysfunction which makes me retain more water, but I don't think that's the main issue. It's the low activity level with the same amount of appetite (which I seem to have no problem with - even when I'm sick I can eat).

This realization was also aided by the fact that I ordered a sweater dress in size XS in the mail (since I was too dizzy to go shopping), tried it on, and had to take it off right away when I realized I no longer fit comfortably in extra small.

Some of you reading this in the U.S. (where I believe the average size is 10-12) might say "What's the big deal?! You went from a size 2 to a 4," but I must tell you, I don't have the height or big enough bone structure to support the extra weight. What might look like 5 pounds on you would look like 10 or 15 on me. Coming from a land of tiny women, stepping into the present day American size 4 (which is apparently about 2 or 3 sizes bigger than the size 4 in the 50s/60s, BTW) means I became a Japanese size L from M.

I've never been one of those people with great metabolism to begin with, so I've always had to work pretty hard to maintain the feel-good weight. (Also I became really heavy when I first came to an American high school as an exchange student, so I had to really work off the weight.) It works when I'm able do that. Right now, I can't. I've been walking/biking at least 3-4 times a week since I joined the FMS Research Program, but that's apparently not enough, considering my metabolism has slowed down and I'm sedentary the rest of the time. I've been itching to go running, but if I did, that would put me out of commission for days, which would negate the whole point of running.

I also have a very (brutally) honest husband who can't lie, which is usually a good thing. Upon being asked, "I've become a little chunky, huh," his response was at first silent, then, "...you haven't been able to be as active, so..." He then hastily added, "You are still beautiful to me and that's what's important! And you need to feel healthy first!"

(Even if it were a white lie, if he had said something like "Not at all! You're probably bloated!" I probably could have slept more.)

...I appreciate his nice(?) thought, and yes, it's true, I need to feel healthy first. I feel like I am getting better little by little, so that is probably possible. Yet, late at night (especially after a setback), sometimes I lay awake and wonder: "What if this is as good as it gets?" (It's like that movie.)

And such nights make me want to eat my gluten-, dairy-, and egg-free chocolate cookies. (Yes, such a thing exists, available for purchase. Who knew?) Aggghhh. But since I'm making my thoughts (semi) public, I won't this time. Maybe this is the benefit of a blog :D

-A

P.S. I broke down and ate some rice crackers. Hey, at least they seem less fatty. :P

天候: 　曇り。 17°C （日中はもっとあったかいです。）
元気度: 3.5/10
気分:　まだちょっと、行ったり来たり
体調:　疲れてるけどすぐ前のポストよりずっとまし。

↑ Ｒ２－Ｄ２の郵便ポスト！
Awesome R2-D2 mailbox, n'est-ce pas?

自意識過剰と思われるかも知れませんが、女心と笑ってください。
ぽっちゃりしてきたのが気になってしょうがありません。

ちょっと時間を遡って補足すると・・・。

コロラドのお友達が何人か、結婚式に出席するため訪ねて来ていたので、
先週末は非常に楽しい週末でした。

いくつか一緒に行動できた中で特に嬉しかったのは、
他のコロラドから越してきたお友達にも何人か会えたこと。

シアトルで毎年ある、ボートレースや航空ショーを含めたお祭り騒ぎ、
シーフェアーの会場になる公園のまん前に住んでいる
ティファニーとアンディの家に行って、みんなでブランチをしました。

少し日に当たって、お友達に会うのはいいことだと実感しました。
ちょっと疲れて体中痛かったので枕やクッションを一杯持参したのですが、
それでも、人に接するのは気分が盛り上がっていいもんだ、と
思いました。　自分ではどちらかというと内向的な性格かと
考えていたのですが、思ったより実は外交的なのかも知れません。

写真を撮ったクリスはとっても頼りになる実直な人なので、
例にもれず、帰って１日しか経たないのにもう写真をオンラインアルバムで
送ってくれました。

写真をいろいろ見るのは楽しかったのですが、
いやはや、ぽーっとして具合が悪そうな、ぽっちゃりした自分を見るのは
つらいものですねー。

ジーンズがちょっときつかったりしたので、前々からちょっと太ったかなー、と
思ってはいたのですが・・・。　（体重計は持たない主義）

甲状腺機能が低下（と言うんだろうか）しているとかで、多分むくみます、とは
言われていたのですが、そういう次元の問題ではなく太ったと思います。
運動不足と、変わらない食欲が原因でしょう。
（具合が悪くてもお腹は減るんですよねー、これが。）

めまいがしてショッピングに行けなかったので、
メールオーダーで頼んだニットワンピースがちょうど今日届いたのも
災いしました。　XS を頼んだのですが、着てみてぎょっとしたので
すぐに脱がざるを得ませんでした。

（日本で読んでいる方、ご存知でしょうがアメリカのサイズは
ばかでかいので、S の域に入ると日本では
L だと思います。）

昔から新陳代謝が良い体質ではないので、それなりの体重を維持するのに
かなり努力してきました。　（それにアメリカに高校のとき留学して来た際、
どーんと太ってしまったので、それを必死に落とさなければいけませんでした。）

その努力、運動が出来ればいいのですが。
いまの状態では、はっきり言って出来ません。

線維筋痛症の治療法研究グループに参加して以来、
週に３～４回は痛くても３０分以上歩いたり自転車に乗ろうと努力して
いますが、その他の時間はおとなしくしているので、どうしても
足りないのでしょう。　新陳代謝は余計悪くなっているし。
走りに行きたくてここのところむずむずしているのですが、
行ったらきっと３～４日はダウンしてしまいそうです。
そうすると元も個もないし。

幸か不幸か、私の主人は全く嘘のつけない性質です。
（普段はそれがいいんだけど、悪く言えば融通が利かない。）
「私、やっぱり最近太ったよね」と聞くと、「・・・」と返事がすぐ返って来ません。
そして、「・・・あんまり今活動的な生活が出来ないから、しょうがないよ。」と
言うのです。　（漫画だったら、ここで涙がダーッと出るところ。
「そんなことはないよ、君は充分魅力的さっ」とか言ってくれれば
眠れたものをー。）　その後に慌てて、「それでも君は僕にとっては
美しいから！　健康になるのが第一だし！」と。

うーん、慰めてくれてるんだか落ち込ませようとしてるんだか。
（前者だとは思うけど。）　そうね、回復するのが第一よね、とは
思いますです、ハイ。　でも、こんな眠れないとき（特に調子を崩してるとき）、
目が冴えながら、「これ以上良くならなかったら～？」と悩んでしまうのです。
（元気なときと同じ量食べなきゃいいのか。）

そしてこんな夜、グルテンフリー、乳抜き、卵抜きのチョコクッキーが
（あるんですよこれが。　買うなよって？）食べたくなってしまうのです。　
しょーもない。

でも、そんな考えを公にしてしまったので、食べないことにしようっと。
これがブログのメリットかも。　チャン、チャン　(*^_^*)

-英

P.S. 誘惑に負けて米しょうゆを使ったおせんべいを食べてしまった・・・。
　　　でもクッキーより脂肪分は少ないよね？！