Tuesday, April 28, 2009

私が自分の髪を好きになった訳。- How I came to like my hair.



「人間の欲って、果てしないものだねぇ」と、昔母がよく、何かと物を欲しがる私に言った。

(今もかわいい靴とか欲しくなると、それを思い出しどきっとする・・・。 笑)

最近、それは本当だなあ、ととみに思う。

人間は欲張りで、ないものねだりだ。 衣、食、住がひととおり揃うと、今持っていないものがなんだか欲しくなってしまう。

それはもっといい車であったり、もっと大きい家であったり。 シワのない顔(そんなのあるのか?!)、欧米の人なら日焼けした肌、アジアの女性ならそれは真っ白な肌であったりする。 (これはバカンスの余裕があるとか、使用人がいて箱入りとかいう階級社会に所以してるのだろうが。。。)

今日、天然パーマでうねうねしている、茶色く細くて量の少ない自分の髪の毛を乾かしながら、そんなことを考えていた。

もともとちりちりふわふわしていたものが年をとってから余計うねうねしてきたのだが、カールとかになるほどでもない。 昔から日本人に多いまっすぐストレートな、黒くて多い髪質が羨ましく、ほとんどの場合まっすぐにブロードライしてきた。

30代半ばになって最近、やっと自分の髪の毛が好きになってきた。 まっすぐにブローするのに体力がいるので疲れていて出来ないことも多くて、だんだんそのままでもいいか、と思うようになった。 ウエーブつけるのにわざわざパーマかける人もいるくらいだし(そういう風にきれいにはならないのだが)、と開き直ってきた。

自分の髪が好きになってきたのには他の理由もある。

去年、小学校低学年のときとても仲が良かった友人と20年ぶりくらいに話をし、彼女が13歳くらいのときから、全身脱毛症に悩まされてきたことを知った。 これも私のセリアック病と同じで、自分の細胞を間違って攻撃してしまう自己免疫疾患の一種らしいのだが、眉毛もまつげもなくなってしまった彼女からしてみたら、毛深いとか髪の毛が薄いとか天パーだとかいう私の悩み(?)は、贅沢なお話なのだ。

そこで、彼女に直接何をしてあげられるということはないが、彼女のような脱毛症やがん患者の少年少女で、自費でかつらを買えない子達に人毛で出来たかつらをプレゼントする団体に、自分の髪を伸ばして寄付しようかな、と考えた。

でもこんな細っちくてうねうねの髪の毛でいいのかな?と、ずっとコンプレックスがあった私は、(彼も元がん患者の)ヘアスタイリストのティムさんに、「私の髪は寄付してもいいような髪かしら?」と聞いてみた。

返ってきたのは、「何言ってんの、あやの髪はいい髪だよ! カールもすぐ作れるし、そんなにカーリーじゃないから真っ直ぐに伸ばそうと思えばそう出来るし、スタイルし易い、守備範囲の広いいい髪だよ。 君の髪で作ったカツラに当たる子は幸せさー。」と、とてもポジティブなお言葉。 そんな風に考えたことはなく、まっすぐじゃない、カーリーでもない、量がない、と、ないものねだりばかりしていた。 ものは本当に見ようである。

カツラをひとつ作るには何人もの髪の毛が必要なので、他の人のものと混じる訳だが、少ない私の髪でも、伸ばせば誰かの前髪ぐらいにはなれるかも知れない。 と思って、今は成長が遅い髪をなんとか伸ばそうとしている(それにこうして公言しておけば、切りたくなる誘惑にも勝てるかも)。

そんなふうに、物事にはいろいろな側面、見方がある。 例えばうちはアメリカの家にしたら狭いが、その分光熱費は安く、いつもあたたかい。 甲状腺機能低下症で手足がいつも冷たい私にはとてもありがたい。 大きい家に住めば収納スペースが増えていいだろうが、寒そうだし、守るものも経費も増える。 たとえばこの景気で失業して、自分の家でなく安アパートに住む、ということになった場合、前の家が大きくて落差が激しかった場合なんだか寂しくなりそうだが、もともと狭いところに住んでいたら、そんなにショックではないだろう。

なーんて言うと、物欲のない生活、物の少ない生活を奨励しているようだが、自分の生活・性格はそれからかなりかけ離れている(笑)。 そりゃあ物が少ない生活のほうが潔くっていいのだが、自他ともに認めるショップアホリックの自分を変えるのは難しい。 かわいい靴は私のプロザックだから~。

という訳で(どういう訳だか。。。こじつけっぽいなあ)、ちょっとのご褒美/贅沢は、いいと思う。 自分やまわりの人をちょっと幸せにするもの、例えば趣味のもの、本、お花、プレゼント、音楽、おいしい物、友達と飲むお茶。 自分でやれる事、変えられるもの(なにかに関する能力とか)に関しては、貪欲でもいいと思うし。 自分が幸せでないとまわりも幸せにできないから。

なにかをなくすことによって学ぶ幸せもあり、病気になることも決して無駄でもないし損でもない。 まえは当たり前に思っていたこと - 例えば喉が痛くなく飲み込めることや、体が痛いことなく起き上がれること、座れること、歩けること、走れること。 それらがとても有り難いことなのだと、ここ数年で学んだ。 まえは高いレストランでデザートを食べても、「う~んここのデザートはいまいちね~」(<- 自分が料理下手なくせに生意気・上目線。)とか言ってたのが、乳製品・卵・小麦を食べられないと分かってからは、ココナッツミルクで出来たアイスや、乳化剤の入ってない板チョコを食べられるだけで奇跡のようで、すごーい贅沢をしてる気分。

病気やアレルギーは、いろいろなことでブーブー言ってないものねだりをしていた私への、神様のプレゼントなのかも知れない。

- 英

Growing up, as I frequently wanted a new something, my mother would say: "Ah, humans' greed knows no limits."

(When I desire a new purse or a cute pair of shoes, these words haunt me to this day... lol.)

Lately I've been thinking those words were very true.

We are often greedy and desirous of things we don't already have. Once we have basic food, shelter and clothing, we're always seeking that something extra.

It could be a nicer car or a bigger house. It could be a wrinkle-less face (can such a thing exist?!); if you are pale Caucasians you want "sun-kissed" tanned skin, whereas Asian women want pale skin. (I guess this came about from the long-standing classism, where the rich could vacation in exotic resorts or, in Asia, the rich could have helpers that they didn't need to labor outside.)

Today, as I was drying my thin, brown and wavy hair, I was thinking about such things.

My hair has become more wavy as I got older, but it's not committed enough to be called curly. It's mostly fuzzy and goes in random directions. As I grew up in Japan, I was always envious of the typical Japanese hair type: full, thick, straight and black. There aren't too many curly-haired people there. Most of the time, I blow-dried it straight.

In my mid-30s, I've come to like my hair more. Since I often don't have enough energy to blow-dry my hair, I've kind of let it be on many days (when I'm feeling well enough to shower). I've come to think, "Hey, people pay good money to perm their hair, to make it curly."

There are also other reasons I've come to appreciate my hair.

Last year, I had a chance to talk to a friend from elementary school -- we were close when we were in 2nd grade, and we hadn't talked to each other in decades. I happened to learn that she had struggled with alopecia since age 13. Alopecia universalis (hair loss of whole body) is an autoimmune disease like my celiac disease -- your body attacks your own cells for no known reason. To someone like her -- who lost all her hair including her eyebrows and eyelashes -- my gripes about having thin wavy hair or unwanted body hair are, in short, luxury.

After learning about her condition, I thought about growing and donating my hair to one of those organizations that give real-hair wigs to kids struggling with alopecia or going through chemotherapy.

But I wondered: Is my hair nice enough? I always had a complex about my hair being thin and uncommitted-ly wavy. So I asked my hairstylist, Tim (who happens to be a cancer survivor), "Is my hair nice enough to donate...?"

His answer was an enthusiastic "Yes!" He radiates optimism, and I love him for it. "Of course! You have nice hair. Are you kidding? You can curl it easily if you wanted to, you can blow dry it straight easily if you wanted to. What you have is nice, versatile hair. Whoever gets your hair would be very lucky." I never thought of it that way. I was always wanting things I didn't have: straight hair, curlier hair, or more hair. I had nice hair all along. He made me realize it's all in how you look at something -- in this case my hair.

To make a wig, they need hair from multiple persons. So if donated, my hair will be mixed with others' hair. As such, even my thin hair, when grown, could be somebody's bangs or something :-) After hearing Tim's words, I decided to grow out my "nice" hair. (I'm hoping that by publicly saying this, I wouldn't be tempted to chop it off as I usually am when it goes past my shoulders.)

There are many ways to look at one thing. For instance, our place is small (636 sq. ft.) by American standards, but it's energy efficient -- so the heating cost is low and it's always warm. (This is nice for me, because I'm always cold from hypothyroidism!) We could have a bigger house, and more storage space is nice, but it seems cold in bigger houses, and there would be more expenses and more to keep up/protect. In this economy we could lose a job, and if you have to move to a small apartment instead of your own place, it seems more shocking if the move is from a big house. As it is, such a move doesn't seem that traumatic for us.

When I babble about such things it may seem like I'm promoting a virtuous lifestyle absent of materialism. I wish I could (I do realize less stuff makes life simpler), but as a known shopaholic, I couldn't really change myself that much. Cute shoes are my Prozac!

I don't really have a logic to back it up, but I think a little luxury is a good thing. Little things that makes us, and those around us, a little happier -- like our hobbies, books, flowers, little gifts, good food, or tea/coffee you have with your friends. I also think it's all right to be a little greedy about things you can do or change about yourself (like your ability to do something). Because if you aren't happy yourself, you can't make others happy either.

Sometimes, we learn about happiness by losing something. So it's not exactly a waste or loss to be sick. Things I used to take for granted -- for example, being able to swallow without pain, being able to get up without pain, being able to sit, walk, or run -- I learned those are precious. Before, I would go out to a nice restaurant and critique the dessert chef (kind of obnoxious when you think about it, considering I'm not much of a good cook myself). After learning I couldn't eat dairy, eggs or wheat, eating a scoop of coconut milk ice cream or a dark chocolate bar seems so decadent and awfully luxurious.

Maybe, just maybe, these conditions and allergies were gifts of wisdom from up above, to a girl who was whining about things she didn't have.

- A

More info:
A real-hair wig can cost as much as $1,200 or more.

Locks of Love: A nonprofit organization that provides free hairpieces to financially disadvantaged children in the U.S. and Canada under age 18 suffering from long-term medical hair loss from any diagnosis.

Pantene Beautiful Lengths
: A campaign (launched by Pantene & the Entertainment Industry Foundation) that encourages people to grow, cut and donate their hair to create free, real-hair wigs for women who've lost their hair due to cancer.

2 comments:

Ruth said...

Two posts this quickly! Aya, you are on a roll!

Aya said...

Hahahaha maybe it's because we re-introduced caffeine to our lives... :P